Thursday, March 25, 2010

Peaceful Pebbles

I like symbols and colors and this is why I like to scribble with my pen or more preferably sit down and peacefully reflect my imagination on a paper with some crayons.
Lots of A4s are sacrificed and many crayons are broken if I can’t control how I feel. I’m fed up with squares despite the fact that squares are my most favorite shape.
So I draw a square or two and then scribble randomly like a crazy person which I am. I scribble a little and suddenly crush the paper and throw it behind me.
I’m drawing circles and thinking about this girl who I only believe has what I’ve been wanting for a long while, something that I really want that I wish that it’s just wasn’t so crazy to just ask her for it: peace.
She’s so peaceful and just going round with my black crayon while thinking about her makes me relaxed. Circles and peace, maybe I just shouldn’t pressure myself with too much squares.
I am going to accept those fresh, curvy and edge-less graphical objects in what I draw and I will stop on hating them, just like I will stop being obsessed with squares.
I’ll leave it just as it is, simple and almost empty. Peaceful pebbles. I’ll leave the location of the pebbles, what’s behind the pebbles, why they are red, why the lines are black and the answer to lots of other questions, up to her imagination.
Then I’m just going to say hi, approaching this girl who I don’t even know and tell her that this is for you, while handing her what I have drawn while thinking a lot, experiencing lots of unstable emotions and finally making a big decision that would non-trivially contribute to the definition of me. I hope she’ll smile.
It’s me, my chemicals and very fragile peace.

AA: CD, PM. Three, Twenty five, Twenty Ten.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Community Service

Finally! It's been a long while since I felt that I -at least tried to- make a contribution to the community. I met people at the East West Initiative who are very motivated to serve the community and I wish I met them more than a year ago when I really needed to do some volunteering.
We visited a center that houses a group of mentally disabled persons (most of which are children). The most part that affected me was learning that mentally disabled people also feel. Unfortunately, it's very hard, if possible at all, for them to communicate their feelings or needs. I am still confused whether it is pointless or not to just be with the kids and make them feel better. It is surely good for them but I am not sure whether what we did was enough and even worth it.
We will do it again. I love what one of my friends in the group said while evaluating what we did. He said that whatever effect we had on the disabled lives, we had a great effect on the manager of the center. The manager of the center and the staff's belief in youth and their desire for a strong and harmonic community and also their willingness to help, was revived.
I want to see myself contributing to others. And I also want others to be beside me working on making the community a better place for everyone. I'm happy that we are determined to do more.

Capitalist Mentality

It has been a considerable time since I have felt that I am giving or contributing to the community I live in or to the people I live with. I have tried to do some work with the student council in my university to only be rewarded with being ignored.
I have spent considerable time planning and writing but with no outcome. I know well that if I am not able to do something to address this issue I am going to change. I know well that the human brain is highly capable of adapting and I am approaching a state of which helping out or doing good things to others is not a necessity or even a worse state in which I think it is a form of wasting time.
I fear adapting and therefore adopting a business-oriented capitalist mentality that is cold and only concerned with income and self benefit. While I think that this mentality is going to free me from many problems and issues that the community faces but from which I am not affected, I also think that becoming cold and senseless is a loss. A very valuable loss to the spiritual aspect of me, an aspect I need to keep healthy in order to be able to think of myself as a good person from deep inside.
Well, I'm going to go back to my highly structured plans that usually work and only wait to see whether the problem will be solved or resolved.
Wednesday 10:08AM June-3-2009

Sunday, March 7, 2010

mental junk

I want you to know…
But I remember
Night and sea, files and a window, night and sky, sea and its breeze, farewell and tears
He was on the ground, waiting for me. Or I was looking for him…
My clothes didn’t matter… He made me see what can’t be seen…
But wasn’t a memory or just a dream
So did he actually die…
Or did she know?
Maybe this is why she never listened
I’m back to do what I used to do
It’s all in my mind. My heart pumps blood and that’s all…
Dust is sadness and a deep breath is strong wind.
Love is free falling… Smiling.
If you only feel it.. it’s in your mind
But it was there…
The wood block was under the table
I used to go in eights and circles.
Jump to reach the ceiling.
Now I want to found my own company and its hard work and I spend lots of time working at home and reading at the library… Still, nothing is guaranteed.
I want my shirt to have a screen on it that shows images to what’s in my mind
Natural language is only an interface to thinking, an incomplete interface that attempts to provide thinking by expressing thoughts.. providing a means to express thoughts but there is more to thinking than NL
The book’s first two pages and last two pages where orange. And the monster lay in between. The maze was dangerous but I had to keep on reading
“They’re still young species”