Null emotional

I'm not an emotional person. In fact, I was very emotional when I was a kid. I think life experiences stripped away my emotions. Now, friends leaving, graduating from university, people crying, lectures ending, friends leaving for good, friends coming back after a long time, doesn't make me feel anything. I'm like action-oriented. No love no emotions and the things that I consider are actions. You're paralyzed, ugly, don't know how to draw, you don't know how to party, or to dress right, but you know how to write software: all respect. If you have all the confidence in the world, dress perfectly, talk appropriatly, dance and party, know how to be a genius, but you don't do anything, then you don't exist to me.

Being warmly congratulated by someone I don't know for my graduation made me feel like oh man, people are so emotional. I am like, whatever, next level more independent software and computer science research, work at a company and do my post graduate learning.

My roommates are leaving back to taiwan. Great see you later. I really liked them and enjoyed my time with them. But what? Cry? For what? See you when I see you.

I am not a bad person. Not only because I don't do bad things to people but I don't ignore them completely. I try to be as nice as I can but generally I am distracted and can't stand a minute without doing work or engage in interesting conversations.

May 17

She started to mutter La7n el 7aya! I was very happy. She's from half way around the world and we can sing the tune together.

I told her the story of the invisible rose the old man gave me, which I authored when I was in high school. It is good to remember such stories because it reminds me that I need to have direction in my life.

We started to talk about her family jobs and so on. Death and retirement. Deep topics. I really like this girl.

May 15

Yesterday, May14, went with Lena karting then to Bubble tea then to TGI Fridays
Today, Woke up at about 1PM and started working on getting harder words for my dict game app.

سعادة الفشل

Today I felt that my mental psychological responses to events have matured, fine-tuned to facilitate determination towards success. I made this observation today when I felt like I failed, I was indeed disappointed but I was very happy because that fact that I wasn't successful meant that I actually tried, and the key to success according to many success stories, is trial and learning from error.

Today I got the Third place in a competition that I really wanted to win. My application has lots of potential, but what I think it lacked and made the other applications win is their guaranteed audience and the fact that they are well-polished as final products. I obtained valuable insights about several of my applications.

I proved once more (to myself) that I really need to focus my efforts. My mind is still scattered between several ideas I’m really enthusiastic about. I need to get things in control, be really effective with time since I need to get things done before they pile up and lose all focus!

Breathing

I am listening to a audio lecture about Psychology and hearing the lecturer say that neurons do cell operations just like normal cells, for example respiration, invoked me to breathe in compulsively, fearing I’m not providing enough oxygen to my nerve cells.

I always enjoyed fresh air and I’m glad that I lived on the sea shore in a little town where there was actually fresh air all day and night. Now in Amman I need to wake up early in the morning to grasp some fresh air. Rarely can I wake up at that time, which means that most of the breaths I take in this polluted city, I guess just like any city in the desert with old cars and big buses running in the street, aren’t fresh and filled with smoke and dust, not the oxygen I need.

I wish, like I have always intensely (read *******) wished, to have a oxygen mask and carry a small tube of liquid oxygen in my backpack and allow my mind not to die breathing the crap in our polluted city air. I really believe that it makes a difference in the quality of my life, since my energy is much greater, I have more optimism, I work harder and more effectively, and have more ideas when the air is fresh and I feel down when someone is smoking a cigarette or the air is too polluted.

My life will be considerably better if I move to a cleaner place, like the suburbs or the sea-side (or another country) or if I just get that oxygen mask that I always wanted (I don't mind the weight of the oxygen tube I'll have to carry around, unless it's very heavy - in which case I'll use it at home).

غبار برمجي

سينقضي الوقت بسرعة و سأفاجأ في يوم من الأيام من ضُعْفِ تحكمي به و سأبدأ بالتقاط ما تبقى منه بيأس و بشكل مثير للشفقة.

سألني أحد أصدقائي عما حدث بعد غيابٍ طويل, و قد حدث الكثير, لكني لم أجب, فقد ذهب الوقت و ذهبت معه الذكريات و لم يتبقى سوى أنا و ضياع الوقت الذي يتشتت بين وعيي بهذا الشيء و ذاك.

أمضيتُ يوميَ كله و أنا "أحقق أحلامي". جالسٌ بألم في سجن تحقيق الأحلام و منهمك بالضغط على أزرار لوحة المفاتيح و بناء أصرح برمجية قد لا يكون لها دور غير مشاركتي في وحدة هذا الوقت المتبعثر بين الأحلام و جمال الحياة المتغبر, المختبيء خلف فكرة لم تأتي.. بعدْ.

Dar Al Anda, Amman

I went to several galleries that are part of the Image Festival held by the French Institute in Amman. The first one was in the Electricity Hangar and it was very interesting. I loved being there because, besides the creativity of the photography artists, there was a video exhibit with the theme of chaos and had photos about the Russian invasion of Czech back in the 60s. That was particularly interesting to me because I had no idea about the area, the history or the time when I read a story by Milan Kundera that references Prague. I had a very interesting conversation with one of the artists, who was the winner, it was nice to hear from him how he works and thinks.

Yesterday I was in the Balad, specifically Basman Street which is famous for its electrical equipment shops. I was done with my electricity experiments and took a bus back to the University of Jordan area. Just 5 minutes after I got into the bus and it started moving I noticed an Image Festival banner. I had no idea that there was an Image Festival exhibit there. Being very tired and already paid the Bus driver I hesitated for a moment but of course I asked him to drop me. I went to the venue which happened to be the oldest historical house with the most integrity and learnt about the Diwan of the Duke ديوان الدوق. I was very happy to meet Mr. Bsharat who opened the historical place as a historical exhibit open to the public. There wasn't much art, but the place was interesting because of its age. I talked to some of the visitors and they told me about some Image festival exhibit that was particularly interesting and that ends today. I thought I must visit it.

That exhibit was at Dar Al Anda. So I went there and I saw interesting oil paintings of trees. I found a Home magazine from 1994. I thought, ok these are interesting but I must see more to be satisfied. I went downstairs and saw some old pictures of Amman from the early 1900s (around 1914-1989). There was a fantastic panoramic photo of the city from 1941, if I recall correctly, it was for 300JD, which is nothing for someone who really wants it.

I went back upstairs and past the oil painting of the trees. I went inside a tall and narrow rectangular and at one of its ends there was an office. I was just amazed by the variety of the arts there. Amazing Sudanese work: both paintings and what the artist called garad, I think, it was gourd in English. They were interesting half-globes that are used for drinking and also as a musical instrument in rural areas in Sudan. The artist, who I was very lucky to meet, told me about his technique and I shared with him my love for the art both his and others' that was presented there. He also has painting that uses more than a single material: oil-paint but also animal fur.

The show room also contained sculptures. The most interesting of which was a tap. I so wanted that one but I was shy to ask for its price.  In my mind, the tap fits perfectly on my desk as it is not so invasive and complicated, but simple with a flat squared base from which a pipe goes up and ends with a tap. The interesting part is that the tap is open and what comes out of it are birds, not water. That would add lots of imagination and vitality to my cold boring desk.