inspiration

I need inspiration..
beddi eshi y5aleeni arsom rasma.. y5aleeni nefsi aktob eshi aw y3teeni 7ayaweyya
beddi ebtesama 3afaweyya men bent 5ajola wo tasarof mortabek men benet zeh2at tkoon hadaya wo 5ajoola
beddi arsom rasma wo a7ess b2eshi.. 3al 2a2al a7ess enno 3a2li mesh bs lal tafkeer wil mante2 bs brdo lal 7ob wel sho3oor.


There are treasures in every person and I believe anyone could inspire me to at least some extent
I'm not looking for love, but for that overwhelming sensation of absolute mental connectivity.. for absolute clarity and understanding.. for a vague picture I drew that I don't even know what it is, but she does, I need someone help give meaning to my mind.

Peaceful Pebbles

I like symbols and colors and this is why I like to scribble with my pen or more preferably sit down and peacefully reflect my imagination on a paper with some crayons.
Lots of A4s are sacrificed and many crayons are broken if I can’t control how I feel. I’m fed up with squares despite the fact that squares are my most favorite shape.
So I draw a square or two and then scribble randomly like a crazy person which I am. I scribble a little and suddenly crush the paper and throw it behind me.
I’m drawing circles and thinking about this girl who I only believe has what I’ve been wanting for a long while, something that I really want that I wish that it’s just wasn’t so crazy to just ask her for it: peace.
She’s so peaceful and just going round with my black crayon while thinking about her makes me relaxed. Circles and peace, maybe I just shouldn’t pressure myself with too much squares.
I am going to accept those fresh, curvy and edge-less graphical objects in what I draw and I will stop on hating them, just like I will stop being obsessed with squares.
I’ll leave it just as it is, simple and almost empty. Peaceful pebbles. I’ll leave the location of the pebbles, what’s behind the pebbles, why they are red, why the lines are black and the answer to lots of other questions, up to her imagination.
Then I’m just going to say hi, approaching this girl who I don’t even know and tell her that this is for you, while handing her what I have drawn while thinking a lot, experiencing lots of unstable emotions and finally making a big decision that would non-trivially contribute to the definition of me. I hope she’ll smile.
It’s me, my chemicals and very fragile peace.

AA: CD, PM. Three, Twenty five, Twenty Ten.

Community Service

Finally! It's been a long while since I felt that I -at least tried to- make a contribution to the community. I met people at the East West Initiative who are very motivated to serve the community and I wish I met them more than a year ago when I really needed to do some volunteering.
We visited a center that houses a group of mentally disabled persons (most of which are children). The most part that affected me was learning that mentally disabled people also feel. Unfortunately, it's very hard, if possible at all, for them to communicate their feelings or needs. I am still confused whether it is pointless or not to just be with the kids and make them feel better. It is surely good for them but I am not sure whether what we did was enough and even worth it.
We will do it again. I love what one of my friends in the group said while evaluating what we did. He said that whatever effect we had on the disabled lives, we had a great effect on the manager of the center. The manager of the center and the staff's belief in youth and their desire for a strong and harmonic community and also their willingness to help, was revived.
I want to see myself contributing to others. And I also want others to be beside me working on making the community a better place for everyone. I'm happy that we are determined to do more.

Capitalist Mentality

It has been a considerable time since I have felt that I am giving or contributing to the community I live in or to the people I live with. I have tried to do some work with the student council in my university to only be rewarded with being ignored.
I have spent considerable time planning and writing but with no outcome. I know well that if I am not able to do something to address this issue I am going to change. I know well that the human brain is highly capable of adapting and I am approaching a state of which helping out or doing good things to others is not a necessity or even a worse state in which I think it is a form of wasting time.
I fear adapting and therefore adopting a business-oriented capitalist mentality that is cold and only concerned with income and self benefit. While I think that this mentality is going to free me from many problems and issues that the community faces but from which I am not affected, I also think that becoming cold and senseless is a loss. A very valuable loss to the spiritual aspect of me, an aspect I need to keep healthy in order to be able to think of myself as a good person from deep inside.
Well, I'm going to go back to my highly structured plans that usually work and only wait to see whether the problem will be solved or resolved.
Wednesday 10:08AM June-3-2009

mental junk

I want you to know…
But I remember
Night and sea, files and a window, night and sky, sea and its breeze, farewell and tears
He was on the ground, waiting for me. Or I was looking for him…
My clothes didn’t matter… He made me see what can’t be seen…
But wasn’t a memory or just a dream
So did he actually die…
Or did she know?
Maybe this is why she never listened
I’m back to do what I used to do
It’s all in my mind. My heart pumps blood and that’s all…
Dust is sadness and a deep breath is strong wind.
Love is free falling… Smiling.
If you only feel it.. it’s in your mind
But it was there…
The wood block was under the table
I used to go in eights and circles.
Jump to reach the ceiling.
Now I want to found my own company and its hard work and I spend lots of time working at home and reading at the library… Still, nothing is guaranteed.
I want my shirt to have a screen on it that shows images to what’s in my mind
Science
Natural language is only an interface to thinking, an incomplete interface that attempts to provide thinking by expressing thoughts.. providing a means to express thoughts but there is more to thinking than NL
The book’s first two pages and last two pages where orange. And the monster lay in between. The maze was dangerous but I had to keep on reading
“They’re still young species”
Never… ENDING

Plug hack

Fire and electricity are really dangerous. This is why I don't waste my time fooling around with just one of them, I mess around with both. This is exactly the reason why I'm writing this blog post in the dark.
So it's 2:14AM, half an hour after a unique incident I caused by recklessly trying to do what I want, no matter what.
I don't have a lighter (nor matches.) It's night and supermarkets are closed, so I can't get a lighter to light up the oven to heat up some food I got from a restaurant yesterday.
I went out to the guard of the building in which I live. The friendly and smiley guard was as usual on his PC, chatting and listening to music. I asked him if he had a lighter and he told me to check whether there is one on a table in another room while he checked inside the drawers of his desk (he's a team player, I like that.) Unfortunately, our lighter-search team failed to accomplish the mission. I thanked him for the efforts and went back to my room.
It seems that I REALLY wanted to light up the oven, although I didn't really need to do that at all (the food was cooked, but cold). So my mind automatically generated this brilliant idea that made this blog possible.
I decided to hack a plug. I would short-circuit two wires and that would cause a spark at the contact point of the two wires. The spark would then light up the oven, just like matches or a lighter would.
I arranged the oven, the plug, and the wires (I used thin metallic cloth hangers for the wires) in a way that makes it easy to create and recreate my brilliant out-of-the-box experimental attempt to utilize the plug in this manner.
I placed one wire really close to the oven where the gas starts to come out. I did not to light up the oven on the first attempt because I wanted to make sure that the short-circuiting of the wires would actually generate a spark that would cause the gas coming out of the oven to light up.
So I just fix everything in place and make sure that the almost-dry towel is doing it's job of completely isolating my bare hands from the 220 volts-carrying wire. I switch on the plug and carefully grab the first wire and approach the other wire slowly and cautiously.
I knew I could die, but I really wanted to heat up my food. After all, what is life worth if you can't enjoy your midnight meals?
Anyways, I was startled by the most expected result, the spark and the sound that comes along. The lights went out. I thought that the lights won't go out because the plug wasn't a grounded plug (not connected to [the ground] for protection). But the lights went out and so did the safety switch for the whole room (for good). I went out to the electrical panel outside to see if I can turn it back on but it seemed to have been broken.
I'm cool. I finally ate my food, I was nervous so I ate it without thinking about it being cold. I'm gonna let them fix this tomorrow. I hope I won't get evicted..

Midnight Thirst

It's so dry I can barely breathe. When I wake up I usually think about what I dreamt of, or at least whether I can remember my dreams or not. But sometimes my body wakes up from thirst just like someone would wake up from a pinch or a clap. I can only think about my dry mouth and the emergency bottle of water beside my bed.
I grab it and drink water desperately trying to quench the persistent thirst. I'm not thinking, I don't even have my eyes open and I quickly put back the bottle and drop down on the bed, going back to my mind's asylum.
You might get your head hit by something then drop unconsciously into the sea only to gain consciousness while drowning, the sudden surprise invokes your instincts: 'go up for air'. This is what I felt the second time I woke up, except 'grasping' for the bottle of water, again.
I grab the faulty bottle of water and I suck on it. I squeeze it and fill my stomach with dissatisfactory water. Water simply just doesn't work. Now insomniac, a can of unhealthy and cold Red Bull is now my friend.